and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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