i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
