I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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