I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
