today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
