i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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