I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize