i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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