Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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