Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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