Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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