Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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