Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
