____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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