During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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