and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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