my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
