Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
