masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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