While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
