The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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