i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
