so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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