Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
