fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
