i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
