used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sext me about skeletons
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
