i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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