Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
