What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
