Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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