STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
