he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
