now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
