Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
