low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
