I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
