3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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