I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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