Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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