Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
