I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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