Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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