We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
