Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
love makes seman taste better
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm just crazy horny about you
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
