haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
