Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
