Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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