good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Life is so much better after having sex.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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