My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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