i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
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Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?