She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.