he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
