Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
