You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
