It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i think i just lost a toe
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
