I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
